Self-compassion can sound simple, but learning how to practice self-compassion can feel weird and unfamiliar when negative self-talk has become your usual source of motivation. Small self-compassion exercises, like changing the words you use with yourself after a mistake, is another way forward.

You don’t have to stop striving, learning, or doing your best to treat yourself with more kindness.

Written By: Julie Jensen, LMFT, Psychotherapist, AAMFT Clinical Fellow & Approved Supervisor

What Our Negative Self-Talk Sounds Like

I have children who have participated in a variety of sports and other activities. No matter what they participate in, I always tell them to do their best and have fun. And that’s it.

Because we are all incredibly hard on ourselves. Why would I want to add to that negative self-talk? However, many of us say things to ourselves we would never consider saying to someone we love:

“Try harder.”

“Do more.”

“Why did you mess that up, miss that goal, basketball shot, or dance move?”

Or even worse:

“You suck.”

“You’re lazy.”

“What a stupid mistake.”

It feels really bad for me to think of my kids talking to themselves this way. It would feel even worse if they heard ME say those words to them from the sidelines. So why should I, or anyone else, talk to themselves this way?

Because it’s effective.

Why Is It So Hard to Practice Self-Compassion?

Negative self-talk can motivate us to do chores we don’t feel like doing, work at our jobs on difficult days, and even shape how we relate to friends and loved ones. Over time, we may do it more and more because it can produce results. However, something can feel effective in the short term while still having damaging effects.

We can start believing being hard on ourselves is the only way to stay motivated. We may worry self-compassion means making excuses, lowering our standards, or letting ourselves off the hook. However, learning how to practice self-compassion doesn’t require giving up accountability or growth.

Self-Compassion Exercises Start With Your Words

What if we tried:

“It’s okay, you’ve got this.”

“You’re still learning this.”

“I can ask for help.”

These phrases are simple self-compassion exercises you can practice when you notice yourself slipping into criticism. The goal isn’t to pretend a mistake didn’t happen or convince yourself everything is fine. Instead, self-compassion can help you acknowledge what happened without adding shame to an already difficult moment.

What would it look like if we became our biggest cheerleader versus being a dark cloud of shame? What if, the next time you find yourself talking badly to yourself, you stopped and rephrased it to be more encouraging? And what if, when talking to your loved ones, friends, or coworkers, you offered them the same encouragement?

Self-Compassion Doesn’t Mean You Stop Trying

There is a difference between striving for excellence and driving yourself into the ground. You can absolutely still do your best while being a positive force of motivation. Moreover, treating yourself with kindness doesn’t erase responsibility for your choices.

Self-compassion gives us another way to respond when things don’t go as planned. Instead of using shame as motivation, we can notice the mistake, decide what needs to happen next, and keep going. That shift can take practice, especially when negative self-talk has been part of your internal dialogue for years.

The next time you catch yourself saying something harsh, consider what you would say to someone you care about in the same situation. Then try offering some of those words to yourself. Give it a try.

When Self-Compassion Feels Awkward

A note from Elise Reichle, APSW

If you aren’t used to speaking kindly to yourself, self-compassion and affirmations can feel weird at first. They might even feel stupid, frustrating, or completely untrue. However, there is a reason to keep practicing even when the words don’t come naturally yet.

Our brains have a really cool capacity, basically a superpower, called neuroplasticity. This means that the actual biological makeup and “wiring” of our brains can adapt and change in response to our experiences and repeated practice. In simple terms, the thoughts and responses we practice can become more familiar over time.

One way to think of how neuroplasticity works is to think about how repeated practice at a sport makes us better. Our brains learn and adapt as we practice to be able to repeat the same moves when it comes to game time. Therefore, practicing a kinder response gives your brain another pattern to return to instead of automatically following the well-worn path of self-criticism.

When applying this is self-compassion, I also tell my clients to “fake it ’till you make it.” However, you don’t have to believe, “I’m amazing at this,” when your brain is telling you the opposite. In fact, forcing an overly positive affirmation can sometimes feel less believable than finding a thought that is more balanced or neutral.

Where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) Can Help with Self-Compassion

This is where Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be helpful. CBT teaches us to notice automatic thoughts, examine them, and develop responses that more accurately reflect the situation. If jumping into the deep end of positive affirmations feels too dauting and cheesy, CBT gives us some guidance. The American Psychological Association (APA) describes this process as recognizing unhelpful thinking and reevaluating those thoughts in light of reality.

For example, an automatic thought might be: “I messed this up. I’m terrible at everything.”

A more compassionate reframe could be: “I made a mistake, and mistakes don’t determine what I’m capable of.”

If that feels like too much of a leap, start neutral: “I made a mistake. I can still decide what to do next.”

Neutral counts as progress. You don’t have to jump from criticizing yourself to loving everything about yourself overnight. With practice, giving yourself a more patience, accuracy, and kindness may begin to feel less weird and unfamiliar.

Resources for Learning More About Self-Compassion

For more information and additional self-compassion practices, visit Self-Compassion.org and Tara Brach.

About the Author

Julie Jensen, LMFT, is a psychotherapist, AAMFT Clinical Fellow, and Approved Supervisor at HEART Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin. Her trauma-informed, strengths-based approach brings calm, warmth, mindfulness, and humor to her work with individuals, couples, and families navigating trauma, anxiety and stress, life transitions, parenting, grief, disability advocacy, and adoption.

References

American Psychological Association. (n.d.). What is cognitive behavioral therapy? https://www.apa.org/ptsd-guideline/patients-and-families/cognitive-behavioral American Psychological Association

Cramer, S. C., Sur, M., Dobkin, B. H., O’Brien, C., Sanger, T. D., Trojanowski, J. Q., Rumsey, J. M., Hicks, R., Cameron, J., Chen, D., Chen, W. G., Cohen, L. G., deCharms, C., Duffy, C. J., Eden, G. F., Fetz, E. E., Filart, R., Freund, M., Grant, S. J., . . . Vinogradov, S. (2011). Harnessing neuroplasticity for clinical applications. Brain, 134(6), 1591–1609. https://doi.org/10.1093/brain/awr039 OUP Academic

Neff, K. (n.d.). Self-compassion. Self-Compassion. https://self-compassion.org/ Self-Compassion Institute

Brach, T. (n.d.). Tara Brach. https://www.tarabrach.com/