Grief Is More Than Death: Understanding the Many Faces of Loss
Whether you’re navigating the death of a loved one or a major life transition, understanding grief can help make sense of what you’re experiencing.
Written By: Sam Egelhoff, LMFT, Certified Grief Informed Professional, and HEART Counseling LLC Clinical Director.
Get gentle monthly support and mental health tips from the HEART Counseling team — direct to your inbox.
What is Grief?
Grief is unique. In the vast range of life experiences, grief is the one universal life experience that all humans share.
Grief is the evidence that you loved, cared for, and saw value in that person, place, or experience.
Grief was first scientifically studied by Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in the 60s, made famous by her Five Stages of Grief. You may have heard of these before, even wondered “what stage of grief am I in right now?” in the aftermath of a loss.
Dr. Kübler-Ross’s qualitative research on hospice patients identified themes in how we experience the reckoning of our own impending death, broadly and simplistically listed as:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
While her original research was never intended to focus on grieving people, rather the non-linear emotional journey one takes at the end of their life, it has since been adapted and applied to all types of loss, with even a sixth stage added, Meaning Making, by David Kessler in 2020.
“The five stages—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one(s) we lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But they are not stops on some linear timeline in grief.” — Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
How Grief Affects the Mind and Body
We all experience grief not just mentally and emotionally, but also physically. Some common, and completely normal, symptoms of grief (but not limited to), include:
- Fatigue, excessive sleepiness
- Nausea, loss of appetite
- Overeating or bingeing
- Weight loss or gain
- Chronic pain
- Intense and mixed emotions, often contradicting each other or happening suddenly
- Seeing, hearing, or sensing the lost loved one
- Confusion, forgetfulness, brain fog, disorientation
- Feeling emotionally numb or detached
- Social withdrawal
- Questioning religious or spiritual faith, worldview, belief system
- Increased anxiety, feeling on edge
- Feeling stuck or trapped
- Increased anger, irritability, or emotional sensitivity
Grief Isn’t Only About Death
Grief is most familiar in the form of loved ones dying (Bereavement), but it also shows up during all life transitions, including those that seem minor.
Two terms, Ambiguous Loss (Dr. Pauline Boss, 1973) and Disenfranchised Grief (Dr. Kenneth Doka, 1989), describe these non-death losses and give us language to describe how they show up in our lives.
Ambiguous Loss
Describes grief that lacks closure or clear resolution.
Examples include:
- Physical presence but emotional absence
- For example
- Caring for an Alzheimer’s patient
- Family estrangement
- A loved one with extreme substance use
- For example
- Psychological presence but physical absence
- For example:
- Missing persons
- Military deployment
- Incarceration
- Immigration
- For example:
Disenfranchised Grief
Describes grief that is unacknowledged or invalidated according to social and cultural norms.
Some examples include:
- Unrecognized or minimized relationships
- Co-workers
- Neighbor
- Affair partner
- Trivialized losses
- Stigmatized losses
- Pets
- Miscarriage
- Fleeing home/native culture
- Racial violence
- Loss of property
- Cancellation of life transitional events
- Health declines
- Dismissed grievers
- Children
- Cognitively disabled individuals
- Elderly
Some losses leave an empty space without clear closure.
This type of grief may cause individuals to feel isolated, ashamed, or unworthy of mourning.
Both of these types of losses are just as valid to feel, mourn, and process as bereavement loss and carry significant impact on our lives.
Loss shows up in expected, positive life transitions too. For example, a high school graduation, a move to a new city, a job promotion. During these times, one leaves something behind as they move towards the next thing.
There is excitement and anticipation in the change, but grief in the leaving behind.
Grief can show up unexpectedly in some of the happiest times of our lives as well. For example:
- a wedding
- the birth of a child
- buying a new home
During the happiest of times, we are still leaving something behind, even if that something is just the abstract concept of independence or free will or control.
It’s important to recognize that “all change is loss, and all loss deserves to be mourned,” as it was once explained to me.
Your pain is real, the loss is real.
The Jar Model of Grief
One helpful way to think about grief is through the Jar Model of Grief. Rather than grief shrinking over time, this model suggests that our grief stays the same size, but our world around it grows.
As we continue living, our lives gradually become larger. We have new experiences, new relationships, and new moments of meaning alongside our grief. The grief doesn’t disappear, we simply develop more space around it.
Many people find this model reassuring because it removes the expectation that they should eventually “get over” their loss.
Grief may not become smaller, but our lives can continue to grow around it.
Coping with Loss: “Moving Forward”
At this point, you might be saying:
“Okay, great. Grief is a natural, normal, and expected part of life. But how am I supposed to DEAL with it?!”
Valid question.
The honest answer is, there is no one perfect way to experience your grief, but the important point is that you do have to experience and move through it.
There are lots of ways to honor and experience your loss that fall under four general categories, The Tasks of Mourning.
Dr. William Worden (2009) first identified these four themes, through which people normally move forward after a loss.
1. Accept the Reality of the Loss
- Planning, attending a memorial service or engaging in other loss rituals (family, cultural, religious, or personal)
- Talking about the person or event in the past tense
- Noticing the absence in your day-to-day life
2. Process the Pain of Grief
- Attending a support group relevant to the type of loss
- Crying, feeling your emotions—they will come in waves!
- Journaling or reading
- Talking with other loved ones in your life who can be a safe, supportive space, whether or not they also experienced the loss
3. Adjust to Life After the Loss
- Adjusting the environment post-loss
- Engaging in a new daily routine
- Taking on a new role or responsibility within the family or community
- Redefining or exploring your sense of identity and/or spiritual belief system
4. Find an Enduring Connection
- Find an enduring connection with the lost person/place/event (i.e. having a dedicated memorial practice/picture/ritual, recognizing loss anniversaries)
- Creating a dedicated memorial practice or ritual to honor the loss
- Recognizing loss anniversaries
- Finding (even the smallest) joys in life again, amongst the sorrow
Caring for Yourself While Grieving
No matter how you choose to honor the loss, a large part of the grieving process also involves caring for yourself—mind, body, and soul.
Again this will look different for everyone, but some ideas to get you started:
- Taking care of your basic needs! Eating nutritious foods, getting rest/sleep, gentle movement like walks or yin yoga, spending time with others (even if you’re just quietly sitting together), getting fresh air and sunshine
- Self-Havening Technique (touch based self-soothing for distress)
- Goodbye Letter or other journaling prompts
- Reading books about loss (a personal favorite: Moving on Doesn’t Mean Letting Go by Gina Moffa, LCSW)
- Grief Support Groups
- Connecting with your spiritual community, belief system, and practices
- Self-Compassion! Lots of it.
- Creating your own grief ritual
Love and remembrance can continue alongside healing.
When Additional Support Can Help
And don’t forget that seeking out professional help, like from a mental health counselor, spiritual leader, bodywork specialist, psychiatrist, medical doctor, etc. does NOT mean you are “failing” at grieving. These individuals can be an important part of your larger support network.
Final Thoughts
Remember, everyone has the right to grieve in the way of their choosing. You do not need to feel shame or embarrassment for how you choose to grieve, how long your process takes, or how non-linear the path may look.
Your grief will match the intensity of the love you held for that loved one, familiar place, or meaningful experience.
It is painful and it is beautiful and it means you are alive.
Ready for extra support? Meet with one of our Madison therapists and start your next chapter.
About the Author: Sam Egelhoff, LMFT is a Psychotherapist and Clinical Director at HEART Counseling in Madison, Wisconsin. A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, AAMFT Clinical Fellow and Approved Supervisor, and Certified Grief Informed Professional, Sam approaches therapy through a collaborative, trauma-informed, and systemic lens, helping clients explore patterns, process emotions, and navigate grief, life transitions, relationships, and healing with compassion. Her work integrates Narrative Therapy, ACT, Person-Centered Therapy, CBT, EMDR, IFS, and grief-informed care to support people across all identities and stages of life.
Share this story...
Heart Counseling is a team of therapists specializing in helping kids, teens, and adults with anxiety and anyone who has experienced an upsetting event. Our mental health therapists are also passionate about perinatal mental health and helping parents at all stages. From kids to adults, we are dedicated to helping you and your family thrive.
